Mental Health Helpline
"Hello, and welcome to the mental health helpline. For service over the holiday break please follow the instructions:
"If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.
"If you are an obsessive-compulsive, press 1,2,3 repeatedly.
"If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
"If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 7.
"If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, be careful not to press 5, or any numbers near it.
"If you are suffering from procrastination, press 1 or 5 or maybe 6 would be better. Depends."
"If you are delusional, press 666 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
"If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, your file number, and who you spoke to the time before last.
"If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
"If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully to the voice and you will know which number to press.
"If you are paranoid, it doesn’t matter what number you press, we already know who you are and what you want. You know this call is being traced, don’t you?
"If you have depression, there’s no point in pressing any of them, no one will want to listen to you, so you might as well hang up now.
"If you are suicidal, please leave a message and we will get back to you after the holidays."
"If you have low self-esteem, please hang up now. Our operators have better things to do."